One of the best gifts you can give your kids is modeling that they aren’t responsible for the feelings and behaviors of others.
Most of us go through our lives feeling responsible for how others feel and behave. This “people pleasing” behavior is pervasive in our society.
What’s the problem? Well, it typically means we’re making decisions not based on what’s best/healthiest for us, but to meet the needs of everyone else. This leads to anxiety, resentment, and disconnection from ourselves that shows up in all kinds of problematic ways in our lives.
I’m not suggesting we should be unaware of or dismiss the feelings and needs of others. But there’s a big difference between empathic, and modifying our feelings and behaviors to try to control how they are feeling or acting.
A classic holiday example:
Your mother-in-law wants you and the kids to come over early on Christmas morning. You know that getting the kids in the car early is not going to be a positive experience, and it’s not how you want to start the day. But, you know from experience that your MIL feels hurt and angry when things don’t go her way. You’ve been on the receiving end of her passive-aggressive behavior when her wishes aren’t honored. So, despite your feelings of resentment, you get the kids up at 6AM and load them in the car. You deal with the crying and fatigue, and show up at her house by 7AM. You throw away your own needs/wants (and what’s best for your kids) so your MIL doesn’t feel disappointed and act out in passive-aggressive ways.
Sound familiar? You’re far from alone!
This season provides opportunities to practice not feeling responsible for how other people behave. There can be so many clashes between the expectations of others and what is good for us/our kids. It’s the perfect opportunity to model for our children how to be empathic towards the feelings of others, but not take responsibility for them.
Consider what situations you may encounter in the coming days, and how you can be a model for your kids of freeing you and them from the chains of taking responsibility for other people’s stuff.
Most of us go through our lives feeling responsible for how others feel and behave. This “people pleasing” behavior is pervasive in our society.
What’s the problem? Well, it typically means we’re making decisions not based on what’s best/healthiest for us, but to meet the needs of everyone else. This leads to anxiety, resentment, and disconnection from ourselves that shows up in all kinds of problematic ways in our lives.
I’m not suggesting we should be unaware of or dismiss the feelings and needs of others. But there’s a big difference between empathic, and modifying our feelings and behaviors to try to control how they are feeling or acting.
A classic holiday example:
Your mother-in-law wants you and the kids to come over early on Christmas morning. You know that getting the kids in the car early is not going to be a positive experience, and it’s not how you want to start the day. But, you know from experience that your MIL feels hurt and angry when things don’t go her way. You’ve been on the receiving end of her passive-aggressive behavior when her wishes aren’t honored. So, despite your feelings of resentment, you get the kids up at 6AM and load them in the car. You deal with the crying and fatigue, and show up at her house by 7AM. You throw away your own needs/wants (and what’s best for your kids) so your MIL doesn’t feel disappointed and act out in passive-aggressive ways.
Sound familiar? You’re far from alone!
This season provides opportunities to practice not feeling responsible for how other people behave. There can be so many clashes between the expectations of others and what is good for us/our kids. It’s the perfect opportunity to model for our children how to be empathic towards the feelings of others, but not take responsibility for them.
Consider what situations you may encounter in the coming days, and how you can be a model for your kids of freeing you and them from the chains of taking responsibility for other people’s stuff.
